


Almost

by Aodhan



Series: Polar Bonds [2]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Nonbinary Character, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:27:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24146617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aodhan/pseuds/Aodhan
Summary: It's been almost five years and N'heri is reminded just how bad she is at letting go.
Relationships: Bounty Hunter/Imperial Agent | Cipher Nine
Series: Polar Bonds [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1739353
Kudos: 1





	Almost

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Hozier's "Almost (Sweet Music)", Cel still belongs to Voidstars

It wasn’t a quiet laugh that rang through the dim background noises of the cantina. It was clear and brash and just close enough to the real thing that it felt like a punch to the gut. N’heri turned on her bar stool before she could stop herself, eyes searching the place for a split-second, then focusing on a young Nautolan with pale blue skin. They laughed again at something one of their friends said and it made N’heri’s skin crawl and her heart ache.  
  
Right.  
  
Logically she should have known. Logically she _did_ know, every single time something like this happened. Still, that didn’t help the small spark of hope that ignited inside her whenever she saw a red-skinned Twi’lek that could have been Cel or heard a voice that was similar enough to the one she remembered.  
It was no use, and she was very aware of that. But that didn’t mean she had really accepted that Cel’viss either truly didn’t want to be found this time or that they had become one among the millions of casualties in the war the Eternal Assholes were waging on the galaxy. And honestly, knowing them and the way the operated both options were equally probable. It didn’t matter whether N’heri herself liked it or not.  
  
It had been years now and usually it didn’t hurt as much as it had in the beginning, back when she had started to realise that her partner wasn’t going to come back. It had never been unusual to not hear from her for weeks or even a few months at a time and their respective jobs didn’t help with that either. But at some point Cel would always check in. Leaving messages or somehow finding her. Appearing out of thin air whenever and wherever she pleased.  
Not hearing a single word for almost five years was a whole different thing.  
  
Whatever that connection between her and Cel’viss had been, they had never really talked about it being serious or exclusive or anything like that. It had just been fun and attraction and had never been meant to be more. That had just kind of happened. For N’heri at least, because if she was being honest – even now she wasn’t sure if it had ever been more for Cel. As good as she was at reading people it was a hard thing to do with the Twi’lek and got harder the more she had fallen for them.  
  
“Is there anything I can help you with?”  
  
The voice violently startled N’heri from her train of thoughts, causing her to almost knock over the drink she was nursing. It took her a moment to refocus on her surroundings and take in the situation. That being the Nautolan standing next to her with a sly grin on their face. When she didn’t answer fast enough, they took another step towards her.  
  
“Just wondering, since you’ve been staring at me from across the room …?” There was a trace of mockery in their voice, a challenge she might easily accept with matching cockiness were the circumstances different.  
  
Instead, N’heri shook her head, was overcome with a memory she normally tried very hard not to think of. A similar setting in a different corner of the galaxy, on Nar Shaddar. Laughter and drinks, bright blue eyes and brighter red skin, warm and alive and right there under her fingertips.  
  
“Sorry. You just reminded me of someone.”, she explained a moment too late.  
  
She could hear how shaky her words were and hated herself just a little more for not being better at just fucking getting on with her life. If Cel had wanted a part in it, they would be here. If Cel had wanted her to know she was alive, there would have been dozens of possibilities of doing so.  
  
N’heri was about to get up when she felt a cool hand on hers and forced herself not to flinch. Looking back at the Nautolan she saw them smile and it wasn’t exactly pity in their eyes but nothing she cared to see either.  
  
“Looks like you could need some distraction, then?”  
  
She would have laughed had she not been busy choking back tears she had sworn herself not to cry. Even those words were so damn familiar.  
  
“Yeah. No. I need to leave anyways. Thanks, though.”  
  
Without looking at the Nautolan again she got up, left a bunch of credits on the counter and headed to the entrance, walking as fast as she could manage without making it look like she was on the run. That kind of attention was the last thing she needed right now, even though the thought of punching someone honestly didn’t sound too bad.  
  
  
Things had been so good the past months. She had been good. Or better at least.  
There had been days she didn’t waste a single thought on Cel or where she may be. There had been so much to do, so many missions she could throw herself into and think of nothing but her objective, and of helping to build the Alliance. And yet it didn’t take more than a laugh that was vaguely similar to Cel’s to make her spiral again.  
How fucking pathetic. Hardened Bounty fucking Hunter, her ass.  
  
Even though she was mostly moving through open streets, she felt like suffocating. She had to get out of here and fast. Maybe take a detour — Hutta would hit too close to home if she was trying not to think of Cel’viss, so maybe Dromund Kaas. Or Rishi? Somewhere she could hunt alone. The rest of her crew were busy with their own missions for a while, and she would be terrible company anyways.  
Planning her latest escape trip kept her busy until she made it to her ship. She was ready to collapse onto her bed to just sleep for a couple of days when her eyes caught sight of the sweater she had just left on the floor the day before. And of course it wasn’t one she had owned years ago, but that didn’t keep her from choking on her breath at that moment as more memories came flooding back.  
  
Cel’viss in a fluffy dark green sweater that barely covered her thighs. Curled up on her bed, sleeping peacefully.  
Cel laughing at her exasperation because the Twi’lek insisted of building a nest out of her collection of comfortable clothing.  
Cel teasing her for liking to wear soft sweaters when she had nowhere to be, and then stealing them for herself.  
  
The both of them together watching holo dramas snuggled up on her bed with cups of hot cocoa.  
  
  
N’heri was only barely able to stop herself from punching the wall, instead running her hand through her hair, grasping a few loose strands, trying to just breathe as she slowly sunk to her knees.  
  
Fuck. _Fuck_.  
  
How was she ever supposed to get over this, if five years didn’t do shit to make anything better? Five fucking years, and she was nowhere closer to letting go of Cel than she had been the last time they had been together.  
That fucking Twi’lek was still messing with her life, and she wished she could at least be angry about it. Or hate them. That would make things easier, but she just wasn’t able to do that. Hells, she still sometimes dreamed about seeing them again. And she knew if Cel’viss were to just walk back into her life, probably with a smile and a sarcastic remark, she would still just want to hold her and never let her go because she was fucked up like that.


End file.
